I feel so lonely! There really is no one that I can truly connect and be ‘real’ with.”
These words, spoken by a client, reflected their journey of figuring out how to make life work better – in their business, church and home. The pain and reality of this owner’s situation weighed in heavy on our discussion.
Typically, many of us work hard to avoid facing the reality of feeling lonely. It can feel daunting not knowing what to do with all the thoughts and feelings swirling around our heads. We feel that no one can really understand or help us process the realities of life and business.
This deep need to connect, to process life, to belong is core to our design. Misplaced, however, this profound need becomes corrupted and drives a fear response that can leave us feeling lonely.
The definition of lonely, Merriam Webster is “a state of feeling sad from being apart from other people; or not visited by or traveled on by many people”.
In our humanity we can feel disconnected from God, self and others. The fear of being apart, of being alone, can feel almost overwhelming. These feelings are real! At the same time, we must be willing to ask the question “Are these things I am feeling based on truth”? We must be willing to see our sense of disconnect in the context of who God is, who I am and what He would have for us as Kingdom citizens.
I firmly believe that for the Maverick – for the Christ following leader – it is more than possible to be alone, to have learned the art of solitude, and not be imprisoned by feeling lonely.
A Maverick is aware of their emotions. They are mindful of what they are feeling. They have learned to fully acknowledge their feelings and yet they know they are not captive to them. They have cultivated the discipline to check the truthfulness of the feelings they are experiencing. They know that not everything felt is based on truth. With a deep, rich dependence on God they know how to move themselves back to what is true.
Here are a couple of quotes from 2 “mentors” of mine, Dallas Willard & Henri Nouwen, helping us see the shift we can make from feeling lonely to being alone…..to embracing solitude.
“Solitude well practiced will break the power of busyness, haste, isolation, and loneliness. You will see that the world is not on your shoulders after all. You will find yourself, and God will find you in new ways. Silence also brings Sabbath to you. It completes solitude, for without it you cannot be alone. Far from being a mere absence, silence allows the reality of God to stand in the midst of your life. God does not ordinarily compete for our attention. In silence we come to attend.”
Dallas Willard, The Great Omission: Reclaiming Jesus’s Essential Teachings on Discipleship
“As long as we are trying to run away from loneliness we are constantly looking for distractions with the inexhaustible need to be entertained and kept busy. We become the passive victims of a world asking for our idolizing attention. We become dependent on the shifting chain of events leading us into quick changes of mood, capricious behavior and, at times, revengeful violence. Then our life becomes a spastic and often destructive sequence of actions and reactions pulling us away from our inner selves.”
Henri Nouwen: Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life.
The apostle Paul provides us with such helpful direction in Philippians 4:8-9.
”And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”
Here are 3 truths I have needed to rigorously build into my mind, helping me move from feeling lonely to being wonderfully alone. Doing this “renewing of my mind” Romans 12:1-2 work has transformed my life. I believe this work can transform yours too.
- I am never alone! Jesus has promised that when we “remain in Him” He is with us always! John 15:1-17 & Matt 28:18-20
- God has first loved me! My up and down feeling of whether or not He loves me does not change this truth. 1 John 4:7-21
- In Him I will NOT be shaken! Psalm 16:8-9 highlights for us the impact of “keeping God before our minds”. As we experience Him more and more we know with confidence, regardless of circumstance, that WE WILL NOT BE SHAKEN!
Are you lonely or alone? Jesus is calling you to trust Him. Learn the practice of solitude and enjoy being alone with Him. You will find a “peace that passes all understanding” Philippians 4:6-7
A Maverick Application – Fixing Your Thoughts On What Is True!
- Reflect on the 3 truths. Read and meditate on the verses daily.
- What is God telling you about Him?
- What is He telling you about you?
- What does He want you to do with this learning?
- Who can you share this with?
