So, what’s keeping you from stepping up and apologizing for how you handled yourself?” This question was given to help this leader “own” their part of a critical relationship gone sideways.
Three times, this week alone, I “found” myself needing to step into these “more than just a little difficult” discussions with leaders who have dug in; who have and allowed this trap to entangle them in the murky waters of…
…justification
…the need to be right
…the avoidance of Godly humility
…fear and more!
The strong pull of self-defense tantalized each leader as they wrestled with the desire to not change. Left to their own devices they were not willing to own their part; leaving them entrenched in the seduction of protecting their own ego.
Ego…..Here is a simple definition I came across years ago that has helped bring some clarity. Try it out and see if this works for you.
An unhealthy EGO is my decision…my choice to…
Edge God Out
Now to be clear, there is an important distinction between a leader having a healthy self-esteem versus an unhealthy ego. As Christ-following leaders we find our self-esteem, our worth, our value in the One who made us. Our identity is found in Him – in Him alone. Any other source of validation is a seduction of your ego – moving away from the security, safety and significance of the One who has claimed you as His own; from the One who calls you His friend and His beloved. John 15:9-17 NLT
Here is how I continue to see what Edging God Out looks like on a daily basis in our work with business leaders (and in my life and that of our team). When your ego (my ego) goes unchecked, it has you…
- Hesitating to apologize when you know that you have made a mistake. Matt 5:23-24 NLT
- Waiting for the other person to own their part of the mistake first before you own your part. Matt 5:23-24 NLT
- Justifying in your mind, and maybe in conversations with others, the fact that you were right. Luke 18:9-12 MSG
- Actively and steadily seeking to have people acknowledge your effort, good work, skill, talent, decisions and more. Gal 1:10 NLT
- Needing the approval of others to feel that you have value. Gal 1:10 NLT
- Engaging in gossip about another person. Ephesians 4:29 NIV
- Engaging in negative, self-deprecating conversations about yourself, in your own head or with others. Phil 4:8 NLT
True confessions…you are not alone!
I have not totally figured out this “ego thing” either – nor will I on this side of life. Here’s the seduction of this ego trap in my own life….the need to seek the accolades and the approval of others. When I drop my guard, very quickly I am lulled into thinking that i need the approval of others. At times I feel like “I” have made significant progress in slaying this, what seems to be a forever present, dragon. Other times, it feels like this dragon of unhealthy ego – needing the approval of others- is ready to consume me again….it’s “right around the corner” again. 1 Peter 5:8-9
So, how do you “slay this dragon”? Here are 6 leadership questions you can use to help navigate this ever-present seduction of your ego. Think about you and how your unhealthy ego can show up at work, home, and community.
- What is it about me that has me hesitating, or maybe refusing, to apologize and own my part of a relational struggle with another person?
- Am I viewing myself as something better in comparison to others around me?
- Do I wait for the other person to make the “first move” when we are off side?
- Is my commentary about myself one of beauty, awe and wonder as I enjoy the reality of being made in the image of God?
- Do I hold grudges, animosity or bitterness against people who I have felt have wronged me?
- How quick am I to offer forgiveness, independent of whether or not reconciliation is appropriate at this time?
Ego is a big deal.
Ego unchecked is a serious relationship stopper!
Ego unchecked gets in the way of you fully embracing and enjoying…
God
Yourself
Others.
Egos unchecked gets in the way of leaders and teams achieving what’s possible for themselves, for each other and their clients.
Egos unchecked can result in lost business, profit diminished, processes unimproved and sale and marketing tactics focused on selfish gain.
Egos unchecked can result in good people leaving a business.
Egos unchecked have leaders fearful to do the courageous.
How is your ego?
A Deliberate Application:
- What’s your response to the 6 questions?
- If you asked a couple of close friends (or maybe family members) what would they say?
- Are you willing to ask them?
- If so, when?
- Who will you share this with?
