Are You Ready To Have “The Talk”?

The following blog is the 4th in a series on "Leadership of People and Culture". This contribution is from a previous blog post by Pete Kuehni. 

Very few enjoy engaging in difficult conversations. Rarely does anyone jump out of bed and proclaim: “Yes!! Today I get to have a really tough conversation! I am so very excited--I can’t wait!!” 

Most often, it is quite the opposite! Instead we...

• ignore what is needed;

• tolerate second-best for ourselves, the other person, our team, family, customers, and more;

• choose to serve ourselves and not the other;

• are relegated to mediocre results at work and at home.

For many, the challenge is where to even begin! It seems like each time…

• you blank;

• you say the “wrong” things;

• you don’t say what is needed;

• you shut down;

• the other person shuts down;

• the other person takes over;

• the end result is the same or worse!

Here are 4 tools that will help you “show up well” as you look to lead difficult conversations.

1. Right Mindset

In the past, I wrote about 3 Mindsets that are essential for the Christ-following leader as they prepare to lead a difficult discussion. Jesus is inviting you and me to engage in difficult conversations with humility, love, and service.

2. Cutting Out White Noise. 

As you go to engage with the other person, what is filling your mind? Allowing distractions--inside and out--will diminish your capacity to clearly hear and receive what’s most important to the other person and to you. Are you preoccupied with other pressures, or thoughts such as:

1. “I don’t have time for this!”

2. “I don’t know what I am doing.”

3. “I worry about making a mistake.”

4. “I really don’t care.”

5. More…

Jesus modeled how to be fully present in the moment. If you and I are to lead well, we too must rid ourselves of the “white noise” – the things that rob us of our capacity to be fully present with the person with whom we are speaking.

3. Emotional Self-Leadership. 

Being hijacked emotionally is NOT helpful at any time. Trying to lead a challenging discussion when you are “beside yourself” is usually quite unproductive and, quite frankly, it is just poor self-leadership.

This is probably one of the most difficult things to learn. Leading yourself well emotionally while under pressure and during high-stakes conversations is hard work.

But God has designed you and the other person with the capacity to leverage and manage emotions. You can learn to lead yourself (and others) well so that you stay present and avoid the hijack.

4. Clarity

Usually, we know when a difficult talk is necessary. But sometimes, we dive into it without clarity on the real issue, what assumptions need to be checked, what process we are to follow, and the end goal.

As the old saying goes,

If we are to lead tough discussions well, we need clarity.

Learning to lead difficult discussions well is core for every leader who is committed to growing. Jesus did it well. He loved people around Him as He engaged in the harder conversations. He did so “full of grace and truth”. We are to follow His lead.

A Deliberate Application:

1. Discuss the 4 tools outlined above.
2. What are you learning about yourself?
3. What steps can you take that would help you grow in one of the tools?